It just feels like that at the moment.

It would seem I can only come back to write here during especially tumultuous moments in history— driven by thoughts and emotions and a desire to codify them.

I never wanted to write about the Trump Presidency again, but I guess that has been foist upon me. It is really hard to put into words what I feel. I had forgiven my fellow citizens and neighbors for ushering in the first version of President Trump—chalking it to a middle finger to "the establishment" in an earnest acknowledgement of the pain and hardship they are feeling—that frankly, I have not. But this time? This time they know the chaos they are choosing, this time seems gratuitous and mean spirited. It is as if the only important thing for some group of Americans is "owning the libs". That isn't the country I grew up in. Until Trump there was still a sense that we are in this together. At least I thought there was.

Now more than half the country distrusts the institutions that are meant to protect us and our rights. Health, Education, and Judicial institutions form the bulwark against power and misinformation—against abuses of power and overreach. They are now all weaker today than they were eight years ago.

And even more of the country distrusts each other.

In a very real sense, we are becoming Russia. An autocratic state, run by those out only for themselves, ruling over an increasingly cynical and despondent population.

Despite my belief that Trump and Co will erase any of the economic growth we've experienced in the past 4 years and generally fuck around with a lot of things I care about (ACA, CHIPS Act, our support for Ukraine), I know that much of what Trump and his cronies have in mind, will not materially effect me. After all, I am in a very good financial situation. I do not have children whose future I need to consider and whose rights will continually be winnowed away. I have good friends with whom to commiserate. I do feel some empathy—mixed with not a small amount of schadenfreude—for the folks who have once again been grifted by the biggest con man our country has ever seen. They will be hurt the most in the coming years.

More than anything, a President sets the tone for the nation. And the tone Trump has always set is one of fear and anger, division and chaos, me and mine. This is what I find so difficult to deal with. This is why I need to disconnect and not pay attention. That is also what they want, so that they may push their agenda against weakened opposition.

I may have skipped a few steps but I am in in whatever phase feels the most like despair.

But I can do something about this. Maybe I cannot completely filter out all the inputs that will be coming at me (and maybe that is not the right path), but I am in command of how I feel about those inputs. The next four years will be a test as to how much I believe that. How much the story I tell myself will have sway over the one playing out in the world out there.